


four times Ben's heart is in the right place, one time it doesn’t help anything + one time his head finally wins out

by delorange



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Getting Back Together, M/M, Pining, Reunion, With A Twist, ben’s a mess, five + one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22534741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delorange/pseuds/delorange
Summary: "You broke it off, Ben, you! So give it a rest, okay?" And it suddenly hit him what he'd actually done. Callum's pained face brought him back to reality. Of course he'd gone and fucked up Callum's first attempt at getting over him after he'd broken his heart (and his own, but that was a different matter).
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	four times Ben's heart is in the right place, one time it doesn’t help anything + one time his head finally wins out

**Author's Note:**

> back with another! all mistakes are, as always, my own, enjoy :)
> 
> also, comment any prompts? if u would trust me to have a go at writing them hehe

one

"Callum's got a date?" Ben hadn't meant to eavesdrop, much less speak up over his pint, but a crushing weight on his chest had to found out. 

"Yeah! An' it ain't with you!" Rainie cackled, nudging Stuart as Ben drained his pint and walked out. He didn't want to sit there any longer, despite Mick's warnings against Rainie from behind the bar. He headed straight home, straight to the fridge for a beer and up to his room, though the bottle was empty before he'd even reached the top of the stairs. 

He wallowed alone for the rest of the day until Jay got back from work. "We're going out."

"Huh?"

"Come on! Up! We're going the Vic!" An idea formed in Ben's head, and he shook it slowly. 

"Nah, I'm going the Albert, I'll see ya later." He dressed in a nice shirt and sprayed some of his fancy aftershave (for special occasions) and nearly ran out of the house. 

"Alright, Callum?" He clapped Callum on the shoulder, sliding into the seat next to him. Callum's eyes filled with anger, and a flash of hurt, Ben realised solemnly. Callum took a deep breath, and then there was something else too, something almost animalistic. 

"Sorry, mate, we're kinda in the middle of something, if ya don't mind?" The man had the decency to look apologetic, bright blue eyes dulling slightly. The man was handsome, Ben would admit that, with stubble and short, spiky hair... almost like his. His immediate reaction was twisted happiness; Callum still wanted him, or he was still on his mind, at least, but he couldn't ignore the raw tug of hope in his heart, a small voice against all of the fake emotions he'd programmed himself to feel over the years. 

"Well, mate, Callum ain't interested." Callum kicked Ben under the table, rather obviously. 

The man's face changed, becoming defensive. "Who are you?"

"His ex. Ben Mitchell, if you must know. Phil Mitchell's son?" He didn't know why he dropped his dad's name, he wasn't sure if he'd been subconsciously trying to scare the guy away, but whatever had spurred him to do it had had the desired effect. He looked panicked, scrambling for his things and throwing some  
money on the table. 

"You're- you- he's-? I'll... um. I'll drop ya a text, Callum." His voice dropped to a mumble as he fumbled to leave his seat, practically running out. Tina shot a disapproving look over at Ben from the bar, but he didn't catch it, busy (not) listening to Callum shout at him. 

"You broke it off, Ben, you! So give it a rest, okay?" And it suddenly hit him what he'd actually done. Callum's pained face brought him back to reality. Of course he'd gone and fucked up Callum's first attempt at getting over him after he'd broken his heart (and his own, but that was a different matter). He just couldn't help it, he was angry and frustrated and so jealous- except, that wasn't his place any more. He had no reason to be jealous, Callum wasn't his boyfriend, Ben had made sure of that. 

"It won't happen again. I'm sorry." Ben bowed his head, ducking out of the Albert. Embarrassment wasn't a familiar feeling to Ben, and he fucking hated it. 

two

"I'm gonna invite Callum to Lexi's birthday do." Ben announced his genius plan, and was expecting a grand reception. 

Instead, Jay, Lola and Kathy all winced, sharing looks. Ben watched, slightly annoyed. "What?"

Lola bit her lip. "We just reckon that with all that's gone on, he deserves a chance to move on, ya know? Inviting him back here won't help. It ain't fair to rub salt into his wounds."

Ben held his hands up. "I ain't! Lex wants him here, it's for her!"

Jay sucked in a breath. "Exactly, mate, you don't want him. He deserves better than that, don't ya think?" He snaked an arm around Lola's waist, and they shared another look. Ben tried to keep his anger from bubbling up to the surface. Kathy stayed silent, staring at her son with shining eyes. Jay and Lola didn't seem to get it, get what he was doing, at least not fully. But Kathy did, and Ben could tell. 

He avoided her gaze, focusing on Jay and Lola instead. "I'm doing it, okay? If he doesn't show up, he doesn't show up."

So he did, he texted him that night. He checked his phone every couple of minutes for a response, but he never received one. Then, a week later as everyone was having fun, he sat alone, staring at the door, his messages still blank on Callum's end. "Daddy, do you not want any chocolate cake?"

Lexi pulled on his leg, and Ben pulled her into his lap, holding her small hands in his. "No, thank you, baby, daddy's not feeling very well."

"You're not allowed to not feel well, it's my birthday!" She protested. Her voice dropped, to an... almost wistful, whisper. "Remember that time when you were sick and Callum made you better? Can I go and get Callum to make you better again, daddy?"

Ben blinked back tears, tucking Lexi's head under his chin so she couldn't see. "He's busy, princess, you go and finish ya cake, yeah?"

She played with the hem of her dress as she thought. "I've not seen him in ages! I wonder if he can wink yet!"

Ben's breath caught in his throat. All these little things about Callum that he was missing more than anything. "Maybe." A tear ran down his face, and he hurried to wipe it. "I love you, Lexi. Happy birthday."

Lexi pulled away and kissed him. "Love you too, daddy." With that, she skipped off into the kitchen, and Ben was left alone with his thoughts again. 

three

"Ben, do a shift in the caff for me?"

"Nah, mum, got a long day of doing nothing ahead of me." Kathy have him a pointed look. "Fine! Fine, I'll do it!" He turned his attention back to the TV, but Kathy didn't move. With a sigh, he looked back at her. "What?" 

"Just wondering when ya gonna get a move on, ya start in 10!"

Ben heaved himself off the sofa with a groan. He picked up his jacket and ran a hand through his hair. "Dear god, mother, what would ya do without me." He winked, leaning to kiss her on the cheek as a goodbye. The air was crisp, but not overwhelmingly cold as he made his way across the square. 

"Alright, Marie? I'm covering mum's shift today." The woman nodded as Ben went into the back and pulled an apron on, leaving him alone at the cash desk. After he'd served a few unfamiliar customers, Louise walked in. Her face changed as she saw Ben, eyes wide. 

"Ben! Ben, hey! Um-"

Ben frowned. "What's up, Lou?"

"Callum- he's, um, he's-"

Ben's collar became tighter and tighter as Louise stuttered. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine, he's- Callum!" She smiled, but it was clearly strained, and she wrapped the man who'd just entered in a hug. Callum hugged back a little awkwardly, they didn't know each other very well, but Ben knew Louise just panicked. 

Callum offered a polite nod. "Ben." 

"How can I help ya?" Ben kept a cold stare, his voice hard. 

"Go on, Lou, you was here first." Louise ordered a pumpkin spice latte, of course, never wanting to make Ben's job easy. He made short work of it, aware both his sister and Callum were watching his every move. Slamming it down on the counter, Louise went to tap her card, but Callum held an arm out. 

"I'll get it." Louise wiped a confused look off her face to thank Callum and promise to return the favour, leaving with the coffee in hand. Ben caught himself staring with adoration in the mirror behind Callum, immediately straightening up and hardening his face. "Black coffee, please."

Ben looked at him strangely. "Ya don't like coffee. You can't even drink ya tea unless it's sweet enough to rot ya teeth."

"Black coffee, Ben." Callum said firmly. Ben nodded, a little downcast, and set to making it. He poured a cup of tea as well, knowing Callum would most likely dump the coffee in the bin outside if he had another option. "Y'know-" Callum opened his mouth as Ben's back was turned, then thought better of it. 

Ben turned around, two steaming cups in hand. "What? Go on." He set them both down on the counter. 

"I only ordered one." He eyed the two drinks, one with a teabag string hanging out of it. Ben ignored Callum's avoidance of his question. 

"I know. On the house. Give the coffee to Jay or something."

Callum shook his head. He tapped his card. "Stop with all this, please, Ben." His voice was almost desperate and he picked up the drink, but stayed rooted to the spot for a moment. He opened his mouth again, but nothing came out of it and he left. 

Ben took the cup that was left, giving it a sniff. The coffee. He smiled softly, taking a big gulp as the next customer came in. 

four

Ben invited Jay and Lola to make the trip into London with him, but he was secretly happy when they declined. His plan was to buy Callum something, something to make him feel as special as Callum always made him feel, and deliver in anonymously, although Callum would likely know who it was straight away. What that thing was, Ben hadn't a clue. 

He wandered aimlessly around Oxford Street, still empty handed and still getting frustrated by not finding the perfect thing. As a last resort, he headed into the jewellers, despite knowing Callum wasn't much of a jewellery wearer. He spotted a sparking cabinet on the left, and made his way over. 

He gazed at the engagement rings longingly. Rows upon rows of gorgeous pieces, ranging from plain and simple to dazzling and diamond encrusted. If he'd have played his cards right, if he'd have just been more vulnerable- but no. He'd even seen the perfect one, a gunmetal band with a lighter silver strip running around the middle. Callum would've loved it. "Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"

Ben considered shrugging the woman off, but he genuinely needed help. "Actually, yes, I'm looking for something that says, 'I love you but I can't admit it and we both know it'." Ben cringed, he couldn't believe he'd just disclosed that much information to a total stranger. She looked taken aback, but regained her composure quickly enough. 

"Okay, well, we have a selection of pendant chains-"

On their way over to said pendant chains, Ben stopped. "These." He stared down at the cufflinks in the glass box. They were just plain silver squares, with initials carved in the bottom right, but Ben knew Callum. He knew he'd love these. 

"I'm sorry, sir?"

"I'll take these. CH, for the engraving, please."

"Y-yes, of course, sir, I'll bring them right out." The woman disappeared into the back, reappearing with a sleek box in one hand and a fancy bag in the other. Ben paid the obnoxious amount of money and left with a slight spring in his step, thoroughly satisfied with his purchase. 

By the time he was back in Walford, it was about 2 o'clock, about the time Callum took his lunch. Ben went into the parlour to plant the surprise. "Alright? Back so soon?" 

Ben jumped in surprise, but relaxed when he realised it was only Jay. "Yeah, mate, got what I needed."

Jay gestured at the bag Ben was carrying with narrowed eyes. "For Callum?"

Ben arranged it on Callum's desk, made sure it looked nice for when he came back. "Don't tell him it's from me, yeah? Say you nipped out or something an' it was here when ya got back."

Jay stood from his desk and went to rummage in the bag, but Ben held an arm over it to stop him. "What is it?"

"Cufflinks. The ring seemed like too much of a bold choice."

Jay cracked a small smile at Ben's attempt at a joke, but it was dampened quickly, replaced with concern. "Be careful, Ben, yeah? I hope you know what you're gettin' yaself into."

"Don't worry about me!" Ben shrugged him off, leaning against the door frame. "Sorry, I'm off, I'm picking Lex up." Jay shot him one last look before he took off, in high spirits. 

Later that night, the Beale's doorbell rang. Ben didn't bother getting up from in front of the TV, letting his mum get it. "There's no one- oh!"

Ian and Ben opened their mouths at the same time. "What is it, mum?"

"It's a bag from that fancy jewellers in London, Ben, it has your name on it! Lucky bugger!" Ben took the bag from his mum's hands. 

"Ain't ya gonna open it?" Ben didn't say anything, didn't offer any explanation. His high spirits were well and truly gone. 

He sighed, retiring upstairs for the night. 

\+ one

At this point, Ben accepted being so direct with Callum would never work. He'd hurt him too badly for that, even though he thought the older man still harboured feelings for him. At least, he hoped he did. With this in mind, Ben scrolled his contacts list until he found a suitable candidate. 

"Hey, John? Yeah, it's Ben, from Walford, a few months ago?" He'd gone on a couple of dates with John, when Callum was still in the closet, to try and get over him, but Ben broke it off early. He didn't fill the hole in his heart Callum had opened up. "Good, good, are you well?" 

He didn't really listen to the answer. "Well I was wondering... maybe you want to go on a date? Friday night?" Callum's late night, Ben thought selfishly. "Great, see you then." He hung up, his stomach turning uncomfortably. The last thing he wanted to do was go on a date with anyone but Callum, but hopefully the ends would justify the means. 

*

Friday rolled around, and Ben chose a black shirt with crazy white zigzags on it for his date with John. Callum hated that shirt, had tried to bin it constantly, but Ben thought the occasion called for it. John was waiting outside the Albert for him. "Ben!"

"Hey, John, long time no see."

"Yeah, yeah..." John trailed off, causing an awkward silence. "Shall we head in?" Ben nodded eagerly, and they took a booth in the corner. Ben went to get the first round, and he realised he'd missed one major detail. His mum was working the bar. 

"Ben? You didn't tell me you were coming in!"

Ben considered turning around and throwing himself straight off the railway bridge. He grit his teeth. "I know, mum, I'm on a date."

Kathy's face lit up. "With Callum? Oh, Ben! I'm so happy for you two, I don't remember you being this in love since-"

Ben could feel himself bristling. "Shut up, mum! It's not Callum!"

"O-oh. Okay. Two pints?" Kathy didn't wait for a reply, moving down the bar to pull the pints. Ben didn't bother coughing up a fiver, he figured it was the least him mum could do. He returned to John, handing him his pint. 

"Thanks. So, how's things been here?"

"Apeshit. Fuck, ya glad ya got away while ya could." Ben invited some conversation, trying to inject life into the situation. He remembered now why things didn't work with John. 

The other man nodded. "Oh." Ben suppressed the urge to roll his eyes, nursing his first pint as he supplied John with many more through the night. He needed to be relatively sober to carry out his plan, but he had a couple, just so he could bear the terrible company. The clock ticked over to 2, and Ben couldn't have stood faster. 

"I'd better be off. You want a lift?"

"F-from youu?" John slurred. 

"Nah, I know a guy." 

*

"Jay! Jay, we need a lift!" Ben heard rustling and swearing from upstairs, and prayed with everything he had that it was Callum who came down and not Stuart or Rainie. His prayers were answered, but Callum wore a scowl as he descended the stairs. 

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" His eyes flicked between Ben and John with hostility. 

"Wh-where's Jay? He's givin' a- a lift!" He whined, his prayers now turning to Callum believing his drunk act. John, however, had absolutely no need to act. He hung all over Ben, kissing his face and his arms and his shoulders and all over. Callum's eyes followed his lips dangerously. Ben's heart skipped a beat. 

"It is two in the morning, you fuckin' dick! Jay is asleep in his house, like I was!" He hissed, bending down so his face was in front of Ben's. 

John shrugged. "But we need a lift."

"Tough!" Callum spat in his face, opening the door. 

Then came a call from upstairs. "Give 'em a fuckin' lift, Callum! Get 'em outta my gaff!"

"Oh, fuck this." Callum swiped a coat from the cupboard and his car keys. Ben and John stayed in the hallway of the parlour, with dopey smiles on their faces. One was a little more forced than the other, mind you, but, technicalities. "You fuckin' coming?"

The squashed into the back of Callum's car, Callum watching them like a hawk in the mirror. Ben caught his eye a few more times to be coincidental, and Callum looked like he wanted to murder someone. They dropped John off, or, Callum chucked him out of the car by his house and sped off faster than a fuckin' aeroplane. 

"Why would you do this to me, Ben?" Callum's eyes shone with raw emotion. 

Ben's stomach lurched. "What? I was lookin for-"

"Cut the crap! I know you ain't drunk, Ben, so why are you doing this to me!" 

That sobered Ben out of his fake drunkenness very quickly. A wave of nausea overtook his body. "I... I don't know. I miss you." Ben regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. 

"Fuck, maybe ya are drunk, you'd 'ave to be, bein' cheeky enough to leave me out to dry two days before Christmas an' then tell me you miss me!" Callum's knuckles were white on the steering wheel, ears flushing a deep red. Ben choked back bile. 

"I..." Ben had no words, for Callum was right, again, and Ben had fucked up, again. 

"Never fuckin' speak to me again, Ben Mitchell. Ya dead to me." Callum had watched him to his door, and if Ben had cried himself to sleep, he would never admit it.

\+ one

Ben took a ragged breath. He had accepted what he was about to do, sure, but it still hurt like a bitch. Callum had moved on, that was fine, but it had to come at the very moment Ben realised he loved him. Discarding the tear-stained tissue in the bin, he threw on a jacket, heading out. 

He didn't have a solid plan, this time. His attempts to win Callum back had all been planned, at least ones quickly formed in Ben's head. This would be unscripted. He managed another deep breath, but it caught in his throat as he rounded the corner. There he was. Ben was expecting him to be at the funeral parlour, but no, here he was, outside the cafe. 

"Callum!" Ben called, hands cupped around his mouth. Callum turned, startled, and Ben jogged towards him. "Have ya got a minute?"

Callum wouldn't even meet his eyes. "Leave. Me. Alone."

"No, no, Cal, I need to apologise, I need ya to hear me out." Ben sounded whiny and desperate, but if that's what it took to get Callum to listen to him, then he didn't care. 

Callum looked at his watch, and he sighed. "I've got 10 minutes."

Ben exhaled with a thin smile. "Okay. Thanks. The caff okay?"

"Fine." Callum deadpanned. Ben frowned, but he wasn't going to give him a get out clause. He needed to say what he needed to say. He led Callum inside, buying them both a cuppa and settling themselves into the table slightly obscured from the door. 

"Well?"

Ben wrapped his hands around the mug and stared into it as he spoke. He didn't look up at Callum, in fear of... he didn't know. He was terrified of what he would see behind those piercing eyes. "You were right. Of course you were, ya always are. I love you. I love you more than anything, Callum, but I respect that you don't feel the same way. I get it, but I need some time, so I just wanted to tell you- I'm leaving."

Ben braced himself for whatever came next. A sock on the jaw, for messing with his head, or a cruel laugh, maybe. But neither of those came. Callum gasped softly, and covered Ben's free hand with his own. "You... you love me?"

Ben pulled his hand away. "Don't make me say it again, please..." Callum didn't, but he reached past Ben's hand for his cheek, forcing the younger man to meet his eyes. 

"You think I've moved on?"

"I know you have."

"After them couple of months? I don't think I ever could." Callum laughed dryly, and retracted his hand. He sighed, locking eyes with Ben. "I'm not saying things can go back to the way it was, but... but I'm willing to give it another go. I still love you."

Ben's face dropped, a mixture of disbelief and panic. "You- you- no, you can't- I was the worst. You shouldn't-"

"But I do." Callum cut him off swiftly, curling his foot around Ben's ankle, just like he used to. "I just need you to be honest with me."

Ben nodded his head with a shaky breath. He smiled softly. "Okay. Okay, I can do that."

Callum leaned over the table to press a chaste kiss to Ben's lips. "For us."

"For us."


End file.
